Devil in a New Dress

This is the year I crack.

I have no idea where this tendency has come from, but the old hide seems to have given up the ghost when it comes to withstanding the winter weather. Rough hands, cracked lips - I am a litany of dissolution before the arctic blast our Canadian neighbors to the north have been blasting our way. Along with hair on my ears and eyebrows that want to grow bushy, this is a new thing in my life. I can't say it is welcome, but we don't get to pick and choose. My work bag is starting to resemble a lady's handbag in its interior - moisturizers and other medicated things are piling up. As long as no one looks inside I can still pass for butch.

The fact that I am using the same hand moisturizer now that my mother was using thirty years ago has disturbing Oedipal overtones.

There is nothing planned for the weekend ahead, and that is vaguely disturbing. Every weekend for months has been plotted for something or other and that has felt like the new norm. Now? No events expected (other than taking down the Christmas tree up in the country). I have to sort my head about this. It feels vaguely anticlimactic. I suppose that just means that the dog-days of winter are settling in, where the happy part of the season fades and we are left with the grungy, dirty snow piles and darkness and cold.

Still, spots of light are on the horizon. We are booking vacations, we are making plans, we are doing healthy things. It isn't all shivering in the dimness. But already I can feel myself yearning for the kindlier weather of late spring to arrive. I don't like wishing away a chunk of my rather limited existence waiting for a better season to arrive. I'm trying not to do that - but it does make me wonder how much of my life I will want to spend doing this going forward. When you lose your touch for this, it is probably time to move on.

And so another work week draws to a close, the first of the new year. Hope your weekends are good ones!

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Yesterday's Tweets

09:42 My squirrel just stole 1/2 of a Clementine right out of my hand! #

10:13 @Mark_Dayton Texting while driving is as dangerous as DUI and should be banned. #

12:01 Hey @chrisstrouth - we made a top 10 list in SFweekly! blogs.sfweekly.com/shookdown/2010/01/trackpad_revolution_the_year_i.php #

14:49 @Webster H&M's clothing is so poorly made that chopping it up is probably a better alternative than donating it. #

15:17 Ooo! I hope it's @fourhumors RT @theatrearlo: What theater company has four thumbs and got permission to produce Two Gentlemen of Lebowski? #

16:47 @howwastheshow Be careful! #

18:07 I just became the übermensch of Nietzscheville on Foursquare. #

21:29 Farmers should sue seed makers for contaminating their crops with GMOs. Our food system is messed up. #

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Steeling myself for objections on this one:
One of the worst music purchases I've made was Matt Alber. Not Johanna's House of Glamour bad, but still. At first I thought, oh, he's like Rufus Wainwright but not boring! I was wrong. He's like Rufus Wainwright.

(OK, slight exaggerations here. Some Two of his songs are good, when taken just by themselves. But the album "Hide Nothing" taken as a whole is a big snoozefest, as are most of the songs individually.)

It was already going to be a tight game, but the last thing Texas needed was for Colt McCoy to be injured on the first drive of the game. Nothing against Garrett Gilbert, but this was an Alabama D that absolutely crushed Tebow, it was going to take a miraculous effort by the defense to pull this out.

Holding the Tide to a FG on that last drive was huge, kept it a manageable 17-6 score. And then came the Shovel-pass heard around the world. The pass is bobbled and ends in the hands of the Alabama D-lineman who bumbles, stumbles and rumbles into the end zone. 24-6 Tide, all hope is lost.

Only hope is for McCoy to return in the 2nd half in a Willis Reed-like effort to lead the comeback. Otherwise, it'll just be a matter of hoping Texas can keep the game respectable enough to ensure a top 5 ranking in the final poll.

Scary thing is that all the big Bama players are underclassmen, glad they are in the SEC.

UPDATE

6 minutes left in the 4th. Gilbert, Jordan Shipley and the Defense have brought Texas back to only down 3, 24-21. Gilbert has redeemed for his atrocious 1st half no matter the outcome, I take back all the negative things I said, even though that shovel pass play is the difference in the game.

update 2
oh snickerdoodles! :-(  It was a valiant attempt, but that sack and the resulting fumber very likely was the final nail in the coffin. (it was)

1) Sherlock Holmes was fun. A bit predictable most of the time, but fun.
2) People are idiots. Especially when they're driving. And in my way.
3) In general, I just don't understand people.
4) I want a ribbon-shaped bumper sticker that reads, "Save the Ribbons."
Edit: 5) Rock songs with titles like "Untitled (I Must Be Dreaming)" are the height of pretension, even if it *is* a good song.

Day 10: A Photo Of You Taken Over Ten Years Ago



This was taken on New Year's Eve 1997. The band surrounding me is All the Pretty Horses. I hosted a formal party at which I banned all clocks, phones, etc. We arbitrarily decided when to have the countdown. I provided lots of champagne and gave a carnation to everyone who attended. Those were the days. I threw a lot of parties back then.

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The damage is extensive. My body is in an uproar.

It is not a hangover, per se, but rather a case of physiological distress without the headache part. Last night got ugly.

I met my old friend at the St. Regis bar, and he brought two of his co-workers with him. Me and three straight, hard drinking guys in a VERY expensive establishment. Four rounds later (mine was Maker's Mark neat), they decided that shots of Patron were called for. The bar, being an establishment such as it is, served us our Patron in nearly full champagne flutes.

Oh, lord.

My friends, I haven't been that drunk in years on years. It was shameful. We were quite well behaved, but the pack of us were wrecked. That's when I was blackmailed into going for Korean food, so off we toddled to a Korean place hidden on the third floor of a building. Now, I like kimchi, but this stuff was flamethrower consistency and magnificent. The rest of the meal? Meh. But yowza, that kimchi. I finally jumped in a cab and went home, where I was greeted by the husband with the following:

"OMG, you STINK of whiskey and garlic!"

Yes, I love you too, my sweet.

Apparently my snoring and stench was so unbearable he got up later and slept on the couch. And now, today, I am suffering a blistering array of side effects from the kimchi that I shall not go into in a family publication such as this. Suffice it to say: ow.

But you see, dear readers, I was only holding up the pride flag high. As the only man of a non-heterosexual persuasion at the event, I felt obliged to outlast and outperform those wussy heteros. And I did. They were all hurting well before me.

I can only imagine what hell their client meeting this morning was - hungover, stinking of garlic and booze, and so forth. At least I can hide a little here and communicate by email only.

That was enough drunkenness for a year. Maybe again in 2010!

Yesterday's Tweets

22:01 @AlexaJonesteen A squirrel probably left it there for you! #

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I came to the realization yesterday that ignorance is indeed bliss.

Are you tired of all the damn bad news that you read and hear about every day? Because of the Internet and other media which give us more access than ever to depressing news, we're virtually inundated by things and events which bring us down. It's good to keep up with what's going on in the world, yes--but there's a limit, isn't there? I mean, you wouldn't want the kind of people you read about in the news to interact with you in real life on a daily basis, would you? Of course not--you'd normally keep such people at arm's length. If you had a neighbor that's a card-carrying member of some wacko tea party organization, you'd give him a wide berth. If there were people in your office who simply wouldn't shut up about politics, you'd avoid that hallway like the plague. Yet we allow the news to pummel us with these people and these events every day. Every day.

Yesterday, I was driving along, and for no reason I can think of I began to wonder how it would feel to see everything I was looking at--other cars, people walking around, the city itself--as if we were all unencumbered by all of the things in the world that weigh us down. As if no news about those things could reach me. And so, almost on a whim, I just cleared my head. I pretended that there were no wars. No crazed religious fanatics bent on killing. The Bush administration never happened. No political agendas. No one trying to amend state or federal constitutions to ram Jesus down our throats. No extraordinary security measures, or Patriot Acts, or secret surveillance. The economy rolled along without corruption or greed. In short: everyone lived and let live. My only concern seemed to be waking up in the morning, getting through the workday, and going to bed at night, living from day to day.

And I drove for a few minutes, pretending that everyone and everything I was seeing lived in that same normal, serene world as I did. And incredibly, I felt my spirits begin to lift--my edge begin to soften. I was just driving through town with someone's average, normal concerns. I heard the music on the radio--saw the color of the sky--I was absolutely calm and unconcerned, on a typical day like any other. The city felt like home again. And I realized that it had been a good ten years since I'd felt so at ease.

So I started trying to figure out why I wasn't able to see the world the way I used to. It didn't take much detective work. I know that when the Bush years began, I took more of an interest in things like politics, and national and world affairs. And I hardened as everyone did to what was happening to the country. We had taken a dramatic turn for the worse, and it was important to speak out. I became a voracious consumer of news, from just about any medium that could provide it to me--and every story, every perspective, every new revelation, stripped me of more of my idealism, and my optimism. And in this world, to lose those things is like losing an essential part of yourself that allows you to get up in the morning and deal with all of the shit happening around you. To survive it.

Yesterday's mid-afternoon epiphany made me resolve to turn off the damn news cycle, at least for awhile. To focus on the decent things about all of us--the city where I live--the person I suppressed all those years ago. In short, I'm taking some selfish time, and letting the awful things happening in the country and the world fend for themselves for awhile. Instead of being constantly reminded of humanity's failings, I'm going to keep my ear cocked for the latest breakthrough in science, or what's happening in the literary world. I'm going to play with my cats a little more--curl up with my quilt in front of a good DVD--do some fun swimming after doing my laps. Once, I would have been disappointed in myself for withdrawing from the world in such a way--of being so uninvolved and unconcerned. I look at it as more of a respite--a time-out. And in a declaration of complete selfishness to begin my selfish sabbatical: I think I'm due.
 

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Day 09: A Photo You Took

Most of the photography I do is inside theaters. There, I have no control over the set, lights or poses. Last August, a friend asked me to take some shots for her porfoilio and I jumped at the chance. We went to a site with minimal lighting options but lots of interesting settings. This is one of the shots from that day:



This is inside the Jeune Lune theater. The stage would be on right right, 2 stories down.

I bet you're all surprised that I didn't use a photo of a squirrel!

Remember to fill out my poll!. The next open category is coming up soon.

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Pride & Prejudice . . . in emoticons

I am meeting an old friend / former roommate after work tonight for a drink and dinner. He is in town from Boston, and is all excited to go out in New York City.

The problem: for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I have not a clue where to take a heterosexual guy for drinks in this town. We are going to meet at the bar at the St. Regis hotel as a default choice (at least it is swanky), but my days of straight bars are LONG behind me.

Yet another example of being far too focused on a subculture.

Ugh!

Not exactly taking well to this up before 7am routine again. It has been a struggle every morning to get out of bed, was too spoiled by the holiday break. Doesn't help that I've taken more vacation time at the end of the month. But part of the problem is that I'm spending my evenings reinforcing bad habits and not relaxing, so I end up going to bed as wired as when I get home.

Messing around on the computer until it is time to go to bed, playing whatever game has my attention at that moment, or just randomly surfing. If I'm going to be on the computer, at least be doing something productive, like putting together a long-planned 2009 mix. But no, I'll get easily distracted by an online basketball game.

And instead of surfing, could be reading one of the many books that piled up by my bed. Because of the nightmare August, came 200 pages short of finishing Infinite Summer :-(  And because of the holidays, my to-read pile enjoyed a slight increase.  And one of my gifts happened to be the new Stephen King opus "Under The Dome" (1100 pages). And if I do read for a bit, every page turn is like a mighty struggle.

It is the trap I always fall into once we go through a really busy spell, whatever good habits I had built up gets quickly set aside, and then those good habits become the new year resolutions.

Yesterday's Tweets

19:40 @cokidder Be sure to have stuffed pizza at Giordano's and a burrito from El Famous while you're there. #

19:46 @jennakimjones The Super Bowl is on Feb 7. (It should be a national holiday.) #

20:30 I just became the Führer of Germany on Foursquare. #

21:06 @completelydark I'll do that next week after I invade Poland. #

21:22 Just voted for Snack Attack Samurai at crashthesuperbowl.com Good luck @MikeRylander ! That #

22:25 The ground & streets are so rigid right now due to the cold that my house shakes every time a bus or truck drives past. #

22:51 If the TSA banned underwear on airplanes, I think I'd be ok with that. #

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A friend of mine is in a ... I don't know what to call it. An orchestral chorus? ... called Calliope. They have an orchestral section and a chorus section, and I imagine they come together.

For their concert on Saturday, Feb 6, they've decided to do Benny Goodman's "Don't Be That Way" and they needed an electric bass player. So my friend emailed me, and I said yes.

We rehearsed tonight -- sans drums, which was really odd. A few things to note:

1) I have not played with an orchestra/concert band in, oh, 25 years.
2) I have not played bass guitar off sheet music in probably 7 or so.
3) I have never sight read sheet music when playing bass guitar.

Until tonight.

I had the music, but there's a whole page (and then some more) that had these odd marks, not really rests but not notes either. And that section suddenly had the chord structure marked on it. I didn't know that mean I'm supposed to vamp whatever I want, based on those chords! So I didn't practice ANYTHING.

I did OK, I think. But I'll be the only person other the drummer playing nonstop through the song (except for a two measure drum break, so the drummer really is the only one). And at times everyone but me is playing the same rhythm, too. Weird...

Jazz musicians scare me.

Day 08: A Photo That Makes You Angry/Sad

Photos that depict animal abuse or neglect make me very, very angry. I see no reason to post such a photo as it would only upset me and possibly several others who read this.

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Last night was one of the most disrupted sleeps I have had in ages. Things were conspiring against me.

I had a very long, very detailed narrative dream. The hubby and I were watching a zombie movie on television. I had seen the movie before, but he hadn't. I was having to force him to watch it, as he hates that sort of thing. The interesting part is that we kept becoming part of the movie, being part of the action. I kept having to force him along through it, as the big ZOMBIE REVEAL was coming up (none had been seen yet). He kept wanting to stop for coffee, or something, and I kept saying "No, you have to keep watching/following, the good bit is coming up!"

I would wake up, chuckle about it, fall back asleep and pick up where I left off. This went on and on.

Then, Hudson the Horror Kitten decided to do his best Linda Blair imitation and hurl the better part of a bowl of kitty food at the foot of the bed, followed by an extended period of dry heaving that went on for ten minutes. The hubby was in a panic - "What if he ate needles from the Christmas tree!" (which we had taken down earlier). I had to calm down both husband and cat before sleep was allowed to resume. By the time morning came around I was happy to get out of bed and have the night of horrors be over.

There has been much talk in the news about how the northern hemisphere winter across the world has been more severe than usual, and is on course to be the harshest in a century. Of course, this has set off global warming panic, despite the counterintuitive nature of severe winter and warming. I'll maintain a state of concern, but won't panic until the two mile tall glaciers start heading back down the Hudson Valley (as they did 20,000 years ago). One news article suggested that we need to bring the cow flatulence crisis under control to reduce methane emissions. I agree - but would suggest adding Hudson the Horror Kitten to the control regimen. Cats are not supposed to be flatulent, but he defies all odds.

So, the day goes on. Sunny, gorgeous but so cold it freezes the nipples clean off you, and isn't much warmer in my office. I would like to have Ben Cohen wrapped around me as a warm, furry comforter, but suspect that people in the office might object. They would, of course, simply be jealous or of questionable taste. Still, if my productivity on a busy day remained high, why should they object?

I was trying to think of songs about a Tuesday, and struck out. I guess it is just not that lyrical a day. Monday at least inspires a sense of dread, and Friday relief. When I was younger Thursday was a day of anticipation, as the drinking weekend began then. Wednesday was at least the halfway mark. But Tuesday, what does it have to recommend it?

I am at a loss.

Happy Tuesday.

My company gave me an end of year bonus that consisted of a chocolate bar, but my broker won’t let me invest it. He says that in today’s economy, post 9/11 era, that I should just enjoy the damn thing before the world implodes into itself and sizzling bacon rains down from the sky, blocking out the sun. I would argue with him, but he makes his living predicting the rise and fall of a fictitious value of an imaginary concept. You can’t argue with someone like that. Well you can, but really you shouldn’t.

I got my lungs x-rayed again over the weekend following up the whole pleurisy celebration last week. I see the doctor today for the results. I had a bit of shoulder pain with each breath over the weekend, and I think there is something still there. I think it is just a bit of infection, but the voice in my head keeps whispering various diagnoses just to make sure I don’t sleep too well.

When I was sick I installed a scheduling program on my Ubuntu box. I wrote out all these goals, because I felt that if I died at forty and had no unfinished business, I was a big loser. Still, the quality of my goals were not enough to elevate me past OCD nerd. I am breaking down each task into its smallest part so that each action, no matter how small will seem like an accomplishment.

It occurred to me how life is like this. It’s mostly in the space between what we think are the big things. Like most people would say that your wedding day is a big deal. It is a milestone. But in reality, asking that girl you liked out for coffee was where the real life bit happened. The wedding is just the result. Still, any excuse to drink too much and watch your family make a fool out of themselves is a good one.

Well, I am going to make the big life choice of lunch. Hmmmmm lunchy goodness.

You know that scene from The Day After Tomorrow, where Jake Gyllenhaal (hey, spelled it right on the first try) is racing cold air that instantly freezes everything. And he is racing down the hallway (or is it haalway) as the deadly frost advances.

Well, the day after tomorrow, Texas is in for a similar fate. The lead story on every newscast since Saturday has been this massive plunge of arctic air that is coming in on Thursday morning. Helicopters will freeze-up and fall out of the sky. Library buildings with fireplaces will be the only source of refuge, as long as you have a lighter to burn books. Or if you happen to find a Wendy's with a gas stove in the Freezer!?! Maybe it is worth a mention at the start of the newscast, but entire segments?

Yeah, it is going to get really cold, but its not like this is some unknown phenomenon here. The record lows over the weekend were in the single digits. Its winter, these things happen from time to time, and we are only going to be in the mid-teens for lows, not absolute zero. The only thing we've really got to worry about is the chance for snow/ice tomorrow night as the front moves through, so Thursday morning could be a bit tricky. But while it is supposed to stay below freezing until Saturday afternoon, it is otherwise going to be clear and windy.

The Christmas Eve storm was the latest unexpected storm, so now the news has to play catch-up and over-react to any other wintry type weather events. Like they did for the second round of snow we got last week.

This is one of the most frank velvet ropes I've ever seen: a dating site where the members have to approve whether or not you're attractive enough to join.

It's elitist, un-PC, and in-your-face. I have the strange urge to applaud.
 

No moving.

Property management refuses to replace the carpet.

Correction. They will replace it if I pay for it in full.


Yeah.


SOOOoooo... time to unpack my toiletries and find someplace else to go.


Grr.


My lease is up around March... ciao to this place methinks.


*sigh*

Oh, Lord, you people are getting cranked up over Dr. Who again.

*throws heavy quilt over self*
 

2010 is off to a roaring start, and it is giving me a headache. Personally, I would prefer it to "come in like a lamb," but that doesn't seem to be in the offing. While I have a generally positive attitude and hopes for the new year, there is still baggage trailing from 2009. Shouldn't there be a statute of limitations on some things that kicks in on January 1 every year? I think the government should pass a law, or something. I'll contact my congressman about this.

I haven't been able to get a haircut for over a month now, and I am starting to look like some kind of damn hippie. I got out the weed whacker for me beard yesterday, just so I could stop looking like some kind of refugee from Hair, but the head is still scary. With any luck by this time tomorrow I will look like my usual sexy self. Or what I hope is sexy. At this point in my life it is hard to tell at times.

The hubby is all energized with plans and activities and goals for the year, and I am shamed to say I have failed to identify even one for myself at this point. Part of me just feels numb, to be honest. 2009 was so brutal I just feel grateful to have survived, in many ways, and sort of feel like sitting around and licking my wounds before the next set arrives. I hate feeling stuck in neutral, but I really don't know what a next step in life would be right now. That is scary. Am I just getting too old to start down new paths? Are medications inhibiting my ability to form new ideas and new desires? Has my mind been tamed (a good thing), only to result in stasis? This is what I worry about.

So, I am left feeling a bit unmotivated and lost.

Someone please reach into the morass I am wallowing in and pull me out.

I just wish I had a talent that I could use, but my edges feel a bit blunt right now.

On a lighter note - mmm, coffee!

And Happy New Year to us all!